The start of a journey…

Doubting right now that anyone will even find this on the huge blog-sphere that we have today. But it’s something I have been thinking about for a while. Before I tell you my story I am lost in my life right now. I don’t where it is going or if I am doing the right thing but now, I am getting reminded everyday that this is where I am supposed to be.

2017 was kind of a hard year for me I graduated with a new job offered to me before I even got my results. I was excited at the prospect of what this could mean. I had been chatting to this guy then he disappeared. I was kind of gutted, I felt he was someone who was properly special. A couple of months came and went when all of a sudden we crossed paths again. He asked me on our first date and the rest is history. When he contacted me again he explained that he had been struggling with something but that now he was in a good place. This was alcohol addiction. This is a guy in his mid-20’s. He was open and honest about it asking me if I was ok with this and I knew this showed alot about his character opening up to me so early on about it.

The first few months were a dream. We hung out a couple of times a week and I fell for him at a place so important to me. Pity he didn’t feel the same at the time. He cooked for me, we went away for a weekend, he bought me flowers, he supported me through a pretty big family change. He simply did everything and more that I hoped to find in a guy who would be my future husband.

New year’s eve came and I knew he was struggling. Apart from his alcohol issue he has problems with anxiety. He worried so much about stuff in the past all linked in with how people had hurt him. Sometimes it tortured me and I lost the head with him but then I calmed down. He disappeared and I finally found him with a drink in his hand. I poured it out and he seemed to calm down, things were better the next day. I was in work and I got a message from my mum. I had missed a call from him but in my job I have to focus on the people who I look after. My word the guilt I now feel for not answering that call.

He had relapsed. How did I feel? Upset, frustrated, disappointed in myself, lost. But I reminded him that it was only a blip… one drink, one day and tomorrow is a new day. Well now that blip has turned into four months. Right now I am kind of leading a double life hence the anonymous blog. I am in no way ashamed of him but I want to respect him to let him share his story when the time is right. I could count on one hand the people that know. My best friend doesn’t know, my sister doesn’t know.

So how is life right now? Hard, painful, disappointing and uncomfortable. I used to feel in a safe place in my life. I felt like I knew where my life was going. We had talked about marriage, kids, house and all that stuff. But now everyday I pray that he wakes up, that he gets the power to stop. That God will transform his heart like I know he will. Believe me many times we have hit rock bottom and I don’t know how much further we can go. Life with a loved one who is alcohol dependent is full of lies, hurt, deceit, anger, disappointment. The number of people who have told me to walk away is unbelievable but right now I feel that what he needs is love.

I know when he started drinking, what led him to the point where it turned from being a social drinker to alcohol dependency. I know the issues that when they arise throw him back into the depths of it. From January we have been in four different hospitals, I always stayed with him to convince him to get the medical help he needed plus to support him. Twice I have had to phone the emergency services because he has tried to take his life.

Yes I might be crazy but I love him. I pray about it everyday, take him to appointments, booked for him to go an anxiety related specialist, contacted all the alcohol support agencies in Northern Ireland. I feel like I have tried everything but it was only on saturday when I got wise advice that no matter what I do, until he is ready nothing will work. So i am patiently waiting for him to call out to the father, the one who has saved us on so many occasions. That is where my hope comes from. Our line that we say is God doesn’t give us anymore than we can handle. So pray for us. Pray we would be united, loving to each other and that God would move and use this as a story where he changed a life around.

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