If only I had the words

What a week. So much has happened since I wrote the last post. My goodness my heart can barely keep up. So many times I have sat down to write him a letter and I stop. I start again and don’t send it. Why? I think it is difficult to be hard hitting and truthful but remain loving whilst being understanding. So I picked up my laptop to write all my thoughts here of what I am so eager to send to my boyfriend…..

Well what a week we have had. My goodness my heart and head are still catching up. Never did I think that I would be so close to losing you. The panic I felt when I got the message to say you were in hospital was more than i could comprehend. I jumped in the car, phoned the hospital to find out you had discharged yourself after a serious health scare. Truthfully I felt angry at you for not taking this all seriously enough. I spent the next four/five hours looking for you. Looking everywhere and anywhere. You were missing without a trace and not answering your phone led us all to worry. I gathered people together but I was so glad to find you at home because some kind person helped you find your way home.

Sometimes at the minute this relationship is difficult. I think we both clash in how we deal with stuff. You just brush things to the side (well not normally but in this situation you do). Whereas I want to give you a tough love lecture which I don’t think has helped at anytime. I’m lost in what the wise thing is to do right now. I wouldn’t tell you this easier in the week but I struggled with this, what to do. People kept telling me to walk away. The people whose opinion I usually would value most told me to go. It was for my good they said. I have never ever thought more carefully about giving advice. I think of the times when I told people what I thought they should do. But yet I was the least qualified and realise the need for a balanced answer. People make walking away sound so easy. They give the same speech about the danger of how I could be hurt or my mental health could be wounded. They don’t think about my heart and the love I feel for you. I can’t and I purely don’t want to walk away.

Why not? Well I remember those good memories of our times away, concerts, date nights at the start when I just fell more in love with you every single night. That right there is why I am here. I know we will have that again. You are the most genuine, caring, loving, enthusiastic, encourager who supported me through the hardest time in my life. When I couldn’t tell other people or know how to deal with it you were there. Through it all.

I love you from the bottom of my heart and that hasn’t changed.It won’t. You are precious, loved, wanted and I thank God for you everyday. Even in these messy moments I thank him for you. I am sorry for when I lose the rag I just don’t cope well with this. I have worked so hard these past 6 weeks to give us something to aim for but yet at the minute I feel like maybe I am still alone in the planning of that. But I know that I pray for you around five times a day. A friend challenged me about how to truly pray for you. I was doing it all wrong. I have lay this all at the feet of God. Praying that he will give us a glimpse into our future. That this right here will be an amazing testimony which will encourage others with the same struggles. We always talked about when we get older and how you would mentor the young guy with similar issues. I believe in God’s timing he will show us the future and show us why being faithful is so important.

Our favourite quote is how God only gives us as much as we can handle. Well we are still standing, a few war wounds but still. My heart is full for you. I miss you because I haven’t heard from you in a few days but I am waiting. Trying to occupy myself with cleaning.. how exciting lol.

You are the most amazing gift and God will show us some joy and happiness. I fully believe that. He never leaves. Think of all the people in the bible who had struggles but he used them for good. That will be your story. I’ll keep praying for you and I will learn to patient. I always told you that I have never met a guy like you and I want to marry you. So i’ll keep praying expectingly for us to see how this fits into our big picture. You will fight this.

A week of struggles

So many times I have sat down to write another post but it’s hard. Hard to find the words, hard to have hope and difficult to not get downhearted. For us it has been a challenging week. One where we ended up in a serious and dangerous situation which could have brought serious consequences to us both. Lately I have found myself absolutely crying, feeling sick and angry even seeing alcohol. I feel like it has so responsibility for the shape our journey has taken.

This week I opened up to a couple of people but found it seemed to be a common theme that people felt I should walk away. I am a christian and my goodness my faith has been challenged in the midst of this. But I have never prayed for someone as much as I have prayed for my boyfriend. Each time I see him I feel like I am loosing a bit more of the guy I fell in love with. I feel like he is loosing hope, love for life and happiness. I was told to write a list of the good points coming from the relationship and the not so good. Of course I am semi scared to do this because I do feel right now that I would find more negatives. Sometimes I miss the hugs, the dates, the daily phonecalls asking about my day. I know that some people are probably right that it seems like I should walk away. What is stopping me? HOPE. I know God is faithful and I have seen him move in situations where no-one thought that would be possible.

I always remember a quote I was told, ‘Don’t tell God how big the mountain is, tell the mountain how big your God is’. So right now I hope I can ask you all to join in alongside me to pray for my bf. I was challenged today about how to pray and thinking about how I pray. I pray that God will comfort us, show me the path, give me signs and renew my hope. Right now I feel like my goodness none of us are perfect. When I think of some of the characters in the bible that God called and used. Well he can use anyone. Think of the story we will be able to tell on the other side of this how the only way this situation could be changed was through God. What a testimony! So I pray that God will keep him safe and he would move in his life.

If anyone is in a similar situation, has advice, or even just wants to hear more so they can pray for us don’t hesitate to contact me. Have a beautiful week.