If only I had the words

What a week. So much has happened since I wrote the last post. My goodness my heart can barely keep up. So many times I have sat down to write him a letter and I stop. I start again and don’t send it. Why? I think it is difficult to be hard hitting and truthful but remain loving whilst being understanding. So I picked up my laptop to write all my thoughts here of what I am so eager to send to my boyfriend…..

Well what a week we have had. My goodness my heart and head are still catching up. Never did I think that I would be so close to losing you. The panic I felt when I got the message to say you were in hospital was more than i could comprehend. I jumped in the car, phoned the hospital to find out you had discharged yourself after a serious health scare. Truthfully I felt angry at you for not taking this all seriously enough. I spent the next four/five hours looking for you. Looking everywhere and anywhere. You were missing without a trace and not answering your phone led us all to worry. I gathered people together but I was so glad to find you at home because some kind person helped you find your way home.

Sometimes at the minute this relationship is difficult. I think we both clash in how we deal with stuff. You just brush things to the side (well not normally but in this situation you do). Whereas I want to give you a tough love lecture which I don’t think has helped at anytime. I’m lost in what the wise thing is to do right now. I wouldn’t tell you this easier in the week but I struggled with this, what to do. People kept telling me to walk away. The people whose opinion I usually would value most told me to go. It was for my good they said. I have never ever thought more carefully about giving advice. I think of the times when I told people what I thought they should do. But yet I was the least qualified and realise the need for a balanced answer. People make walking away sound so easy. They give the same speech about the danger of how I could be hurt or my mental health could be wounded. They don’t think about my heart and the love I feel for you. I can’t and I purely don’t want to walk away.

Why not? Well I remember those good memories of our times away, concerts, date nights at the start when I just fell more in love with you every single night. That right there is why I am here. I know we will have that again. You are the most genuine, caring, loving, enthusiastic, encourager who supported me through the hardest time in my life. When I couldn’t tell other people or know how to deal with it you were there. Through it all.

I love you from the bottom of my heart and that hasn’t changed.It won’t. You are precious, loved, wanted and I thank God for you everyday. Even in these messy moments I thank him for you. I am sorry for when I lose the rag I just don’t cope well with this. I have worked so hard these past 6 weeks to give us something to aim for but yet at the minute I feel like maybe I am still alone in the planning of that. But I know that I pray for you around five times a day. A friend challenged me about how to truly pray for you. I was doing it all wrong. I have lay this all at the feet of God. Praying that he will give us a glimpse into our future. That this right here will be an amazing testimony which will encourage others with the same struggles. We always talked about when we get older and how you would mentor the young guy with similar issues. I believe in God’s timing he will show us the future and show us why being faithful is so important.

Our favourite quote is how God only gives us as much as we can handle. Well we are still standing, a few war wounds but still. My heart is full for you. I miss you because I haven’t heard from you in a few days but I am waiting. Trying to occupy myself with cleaning.. how exciting lol.

You are the most amazing gift and God will show us some joy and happiness. I fully believe that. He never leaves. Think of all the people in the bible who had struggles but he used them for good. That will be your story. I’ll keep praying for you and I will learn to patient. I always told you that I have never met a guy like you and I want to marry you. So i’ll keep praying expectingly for us to see how this fits into our big picture. You will fight this.


The start of a journey…

Doubting right now that anyone will even find this on the huge blog-sphere that we have today. But it’s something I have been thinking about for a while. Before I tell you my story I am lost in my life right now. I don’t where it is going or if I am doing the right thing but now, I am getting reminded everyday that this is where I am supposed to be.

2017 was kind of a hard year for me I graduated with a new job offered to me before I even got my results. I was excited at the prospect of what this could mean. I had been chatting to this guy then he disappeared. I was kind of gutted, I felt he was someone who was properly special. A couple of months came and went when all of a sudden we crossed paths again. He asked me on our first date and the rest is history.¬†When he contacted me again he explained that he had been struggling with something but that now he was in a good place. This was alcohol addiction. This is a guy in his mid-20’s. He was open and honest about it asking me if I was ok with this and I knew this showed alot about his character opening up to me so early on about it.

The first few months were a dream. We hung out a couple of times a week and I fell for him at a place so important to me. Pity he didn’t feel the same at the time. He cooked for me, we went away for a weekend, he bought me flowers, he supported me through a pretty big family change. He simply did everything and more that I hoped to find in a guy who would be my future husband.

New year’s eve came and I knew he was struggling. Apart from his alcohol issue he has problems with anxiety. He worried so much about stuff in the past all linked in with how people had hurt him. Sometimes it tortured me and I lost the head with him but then I calmed down. He disappeared and I finally found him with a drink in his hand. I poured it out and he seemed to calm down, things were better the next day. I was in work and I got a message from my mum. I had missed a call from him but in my job I have to focus on the people who I look after. My word the guilt I now feel for not answering that call.

He had relapsed. How did I feel? Upset, frustrated, disappointed in myself, lost. But I reminded him that it was only a blip… one drink, one day and tomorrow is a new day. Well now that blip has turned into four months. Right now I am kind of leading a double life hence the anonymous blog. I am in no way ashamed of him but I want to respect him to let him share his story when the time is right. I could count on one hand the people that know. My best friend doesn’t know, my sister doesn’t know.

So how is life right now? Hard, painful, disappointing and uncomfortable. I used to feel in a safe place in my life. I felt like I knew where my life was going. We had talked about marriage, kids, house and all that stuff. But now everyday I pray that he wakes up, that he gets the power to stop. That God will transform his heart like I know he will. Believe me many times we have hit rock bottom and I don’t know how much further we can go. Life with a loved one who is alcohol dependent is full of lies, hurt, deceit, anger, disappointment. The number of people who have told me to walk away is unbelievable but right now I feel that what he needs is love.

I know when he started drinking, what led him to the point where it turned from being a social drinker to alcohol dependency. I know the issues that when they arise throw him back into the depths of it. From January we have been in four different hospitals, I always stayed with him to convince him to get the medical help he needed plus to support him. Twice I have had to phone the emergency services because he has tried to take his life.

Yes I might be crazy but I love him. I pray about it everyday, take him to appointments, booked for him to go an anxiety related specialist, contacted all the alcohol support agencies in Northern Ireland. I feel like I have tried everything but it was only on saturday when I got wise advice that no matter what I do, until he is ready nothing will work. So i am patiently waiting for him to call out to the father, the one who has saved us on so many occasions. That is where my hope comes from. Our line that we say is God doesn’t give us anymore than we can handle. So pray for us. Pray we would be united, loving to each other and that God would move and use this as a story where he changed a life around.